


Happy Endings

by SeptemberCrypt



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Angst, I mean, M/M, Mention of Rape/Non-con, because im trash, but i love them so that overrules the dumb, but not between our boys dont worry, complicated love, i tell myself im going to write something happy for once and then i just spew out this garbage, im sorry, its never easy, of course, theyre really dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 06:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18277514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeptemberCrypt/pseuds/SeptemberCrypt
Summary: The aftermath of Kirkwall. Anders still has fears, and Hawke still has doubts.





	Happy Endings

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I'm not dead just stupid. I keep jumping around fandoms. I'm sorry, it's been so long. Here, have some bullshit.

Anders wasn’t sure what he had been expecting. The war, probably. A rebellion, hopefully. But he couldn’t have possibly expected Meredith’s madness, or the red lyrium. He could say he regretted what happened in Kirkwall, but he could never regret the result. It had to be done, people had to understand how unjust it all was. No more denying, no more turning the other way. Anders had forced all of the problems revolving around the Templars and the mages into the light and people couldn’t possibly ignore it anymore.

There was going to be war, Anders was sure of that. He could only hope that it finally brought justice, and didn’t destroy everything in the process. He only wishes there didn’t have to have been so much death, that it didn’t _have_ to come to this. He took no pleasure in taking the lives of the people who were in the Chantry that day, but there was just no other way. Or, that’s what he told himself, at least. He couldn’t allow himself doubts, it was too late for that. It was done. He couldn’t go back now, he was far past the point of no return.

But then, there was Hawke. It tore Anders apart to lie to him, deceive him— _betray_ him. He’d taken the mages side, in the end. Anders had been worried about that, worried Hawke would side with the Templars. But he’d always supported mage’s rights, even if he didn’t hold the same resentment for the Circle as Anders did.

It shocked him, if he was honest, that Hawke had let him not only live, but _stay_. He even said that he’d go with Anders, on the run. When he had planted the bomb in the Chantry, Anders had done so thinking he’d be executed. He had been so sure his life was over. But Hawke spared him. Hawke saw something inside of Anders that was _worth_ saving. Something that Anders himself didn’t see. Deep down, he didn’t think he was worthy of this life, of this second chance. But Hawke did, and that had to be enough.

There was still that fear, though. Something told him that Hawke wasn’t finished with him. He may have spared him, and he may have let him stay, and he even said that they would run away together and hide. But Anders knew it wasn’t over. When he looked at Hawke, he could see all the words not yet said boiling under the surface.

His greatest fear, he supposed, was that Hawke didn’t love him anymore. Was that, despite those kindnesses and promises, Hawke resented him. Anders didn’t know if he could take it if Hawke ever hated him. He didn’t think he could handle the heartbreak, even if he expected it. How could he still care for Anders after everything? Hawke was angry, Anders could see that much, but how deep did that anger go? Hawke couldn’t ever forgive him, and Anders wouldn’t ask him to. He knew he deserved that much, at least.

After the events in Kirkwall, Hawke all but dragged him back to the mansion to pack anything they might need; as well as the dog, who Hawke would never leave behind. Anders could tell that he wanted to stay a bit longer, to properly say goodbye to their friends, but Hawke was afraid the city guard would arrest Anders if they remained in the city. Aveline certainly made her opinion on Anders’s actions clear, neither of them expected her to keep quiet about what happened. Anders was a wanted man, now.

It only took them another day to find a ship that would take them to Ferelden, Hawke barely speaking a word to him the whole time. That only managed to feed Anders’s anxieties and fears. He couldn’t tell what was going on inside of Hawke’s head, and Hawke wasn’t eager to share. So, he couldn’t do much else but stare at the smoking remnants of Kirkwall, his home for so many years, as the ship sailed further south.

The air was salty, and the wind was a little too harsh. But, for quite possibly the first time since he was twelve years old, Anders felt _free_. Truly free. He had finally escaped the Circle, had left the Wardens, and now, he’d finally completed his task for Justice. He had opened the door to freedom for the mages. He no longer had any duties or obligations. What he did now was, for once, his choice.

And he would have felt more glee at that realization if he wasn’t so worried about Hawke. He may have been free, but would he be free with Hawke? Or would Hawke leave him, unable to forget about his crimes? Anders had loved people before, but he’d never loved anyone like he loved Hawke. He’d never been so scared to lose somebody before—not even Karl. He was terrified that Hawke was going to leave him one day, but felt it was inevitable. It had to be. People like Anders didn’t get happy endings.

He felt movement to the right of himself, and upon turning was unsurprised to find Hawke standing there, a few feet away, eyes trained on the Free Marches. Finally safe, he knew that Hawke would be wanting to speak to him. He attempted to steel himself in preparation of any heartbreak, but knew it would be pointless. Any words his lover had to say would cut right through all his barriers, they always did. He stared at Hawke, the way the sun shone through his dark hair and glinted off his armor. Not for the first time, Anders was taken aback by the beauty of the man. A somber look rested on the sharp lines of his face, and there were dark circles under his eyes from the minimal amount of sleep they’ve had in the past few days. But Maker, was he gorgeous.

Hawke opened his mouth, as if to say something, before letting it fall closed again, pressing his lips into a tight line. His brows furrowed and Anders suddenly realized how much _older_ Hawke looked, as if he’d aged several years over the past week. He was exhausted, Anders thought, and worn down. Everyone had turned to Hawke to save them, but Hawke was only a man and eventually, taking on everyone else’s burdens would take a toll on him.

_I’m so sorry._

“Why?” Was all Hawke ended up saying. It was the resigned tone he said it in that hurt Anders, knowing he helped put it there. Hawke had always been a man of such passion, and it was painful to see all that fire just drained out of him.

“I had to,” Anders replied, keeping his gaze on Hawke, wishing the other man would just _look_ at him. “Hawke…” He hated how his voice cracked at the name, but Hawke didn’t let him finish.

“You _lied_ to me,” He said, “The whole time, you were lying to me.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Anders pleaded, but it was apparently the wrong thing to say. Hawke finally turned to him, anger contorting his features. Anders forced himself to not take a step back at the intensity in his eyes.

There had been a few times in their relationship when Anders was truly afraid of Hawke. The man had a tendency of letting his temper get the better of him and it usually came out with violence. He would shout or punch or shove at whatever was causing him anger. Anders knew that when their relationship shifted into something romantic, he was under no illusion on what he was getting into. But knowledge didn’t make the reality any less terrifying.

Hawke never hurt him the point where Anders feared for his life, and it wasn’t very often, either. Anders could probably count all the times Hawke ever laid a hand on him, and it wasn’t as though Anders didn’t retaliate a few of those times.

The worst time, Anders remembered, was when he’d gone off and killed a Templar after he’d promised Hawke he wouldn’t. The Templar in question had several accusations of rape on him, but none that could have been proved. Anders knew his type, though. It was easy for a Templar to cover up the sexual abuse of Circles mages, he’d seen it happen enough times in Ferelden. Nobody would take the word of a mage over a Templar, so they only got punished when there was solid proof. And Hawke had wanted him to stay out of it. He told Anders he’d talk to the Templars about it. But Anders knew that would never bring justice, so he had to take it into his own hands.

It wasn’t his intention, but Anders had ended up killing the man. He didn’t feel bad about it, but it also wasn’t how he’d wanted to go about things. When he went back to the mansion that night, drenched in blood, he couldn’t lie to Hawke.

‘You promised me you would let this go!’ Hawke had shouted, absolutely livid. The fight hadn’t started out with shouting, but all it took was a few wrong buttons to get pushed and things escalated very quickly. And Anders was notorious at pushing Hawke’s buttons.

‘I couldn’t,’ Anders said, exhausted from the vents of the day, ‘He was _raping_ them, Hawke! What was I supposed to do? Just forget about it and leave them to suffer?’ It made him sick, the thought of those poor girls under the mercy of that Templar bastard.

Hawke shook his head angrily, ‘You could have let _me_ deal with it! You could have let me talk to Cullen and have him arrested—‘

Anders laughed out loud at that, ‘And what could Cullen have done? Without proof, they don’t do anything about it! He would have remained free and those poor girls would be forced to continue putting up with his abuse!’

‘So your solution was to murder him?!’ Anders shut his mouth at that while Hawke took a step closer, towering over him menacingly. He only had a few inches on Anders, but in that moment he managed to look ten feet tall. That was when Anders felt his heart begin to pound. ‘You can’t even control yourself anymore, can you?’ Hawke said, his voice suddenly quiet. That struck a nerve. Probably because it was true, but Anders refused to admit it.

‘I can’t believe you’re taking the Templar’s side on this,’ Anders spat, knowing it was uncalled for and _false_ , but he could feel himself growing angrier by the second. ‘You’d let him keep hurting them like that? Raping them over and over?’ He knew he should have stopped then, he could feel Hawke’s anger simmering, but something ugly inside made him want to make Hawke mad. He wanted to see if Hawke would hurt him, _hit_ him, ‘What if I was back in the Circle, Hawke? What if it was _me_ he decided to hurt?’

‘Anders,’ Hawke growled in warning, but Anders still didn’t stop.

‘Would you allow him to remain free then? Or, Maker, would you _join_ him—‘

Anders had been expecting the slap, really. He was all but asking for it, working Hawke up like that. What he wasn’t expecting, however, was to be forcefully shoved against the wall, _hard_. He tried to move away but Hawke pinned him by his shoulders, pushing him back against the wall again and causing his back to throb at the harsh contact. That’s when he started feeling scared. He suddenly regretted goading Hawke the way he did, but he couldn’t exactly take it back.

‘Is that what you want?’ Hawke said, his voice scarily calm, ‘You want me to hurt you like that?’

Anders shook his head as Hawke pressed closer, ‘You wouldn’t,’ He said, hoping his voice didn’t betray too much of his fear. Hawke wouldn’t truly hurt him, he _wouldn’t_.

Hawke was silent for a few long moments, pushing his body up against Anders’s. Looking back, Anders felt nothing but loathe for himself when he remembered how, for a second, he actually thought Hawke would do it. For half a moment, he was truly afraid Hawke would force him. But he didn’t. Instead he firmly said: ‘No, I wouldn’t. So don’t _ever_ ,’ he shook Anders again, ‘Imply that I would again,’ He let Ander go then, turning away as he ran a hand over his face.

‘I’m sorry,’ Anders said after he regained his composure. He always felt like dirt after they fought. Hawke would hurt Anders with his hands but Anders knew he cut the man deep with his words sometimes.

‘Me too,’ Hawke replied, and that was that. They never talked about that fight, and Anders was fine with that. He didn’t particularly like thinking about it.

“But you did hurt me, Anders,” Hawke said quietly, bringing him back to the present. Anders didn’t know how angry Hawke was currently. He didn’t know if he was mad enough to hit him, and Anders really didn’t want to test it, so he stayed quiet. “Why didn’t you just trust me?” Hawke repeated his words from the day before.

“It wasn’t about trust, Hawke.”

Hawke just sighed. He looked away again, a sort of sadness falling over his eyes. “I love you, so much,” He said sadly, his words surprising Anders.

 _He still loves me?_ Anders thought disbelievingly, his chest warming with affection. _After all I’ve done?_

“But I’m angry with you,” Hawke continued, “For lying to me. For tricking me,” He took a deep breath, once again facing Anders with glassy eyes.

“Hawke…” Anders whispered remorsefully. The last thing he had _ever_ wanted to do was hurt Hawke. It broke his heart.

Hawke took a step closer, silencing Anders with a gentle hand on his shoulder, “I don’t know if I can forgive you. Not…not right now at least.” He paused, “But I don’t think I could ever leave you. So, don’t ever fear that. I’ll always be at your side, Anders, I promise you that.”

Anders felt a wave of emotions well up inside of him, threatening to spill over. Relief, guilt, _love_ …Hawke wanted to stay. Everything started twisting around in his head, jumbling his thoughts and feelings into a chaotic mess. He felt as if he could cry, tears filling up in his eyes. _He still loves me._

Everything came to a halt when Hawke moved his hand from Anders’s shoulder to his chin, tilting his face up and pressing their lips together in a kiss. It felt like coming _home_ , Anders thought. Things weren’t perfect, they never would be with him and Hawke. But at least they were together. For the first time, Anders felt as though it would be all right. They were both still hurt, and Hawke was still angry with him, but it would be _all right_.

He smiled into the kiss, pressing closer to Hawke, the hard metal of his armor jabbing into Anders’s skin uncomfortably. It was wonderful. _Maybe_ , Anders thought, _maybe I can stop being afraid now._

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know how well-written this because it was written in under 40 minutes in the dead of night whilst I was in an energy drink induced haze


End file.
